What Did I Do in a Past Life to Be Punished With These Harry and Meghan "Wax Figures"?

12/12/2018 - 11:31 AM

On Dec. 11, Madame Tussuad's did something really perplexing. At first glance, it may look like they unveiled wax figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle [1], but the truth is so much worse. According to the event details, the museum actually placed wax masks of Meghan and Harry on real people, and these real people participated in the Christmas photoshoot of our nightmares.

Each "tableau" is stranger than the last: after posing nicely together, they then proceeded to have some kind of gift exchange that involved an existential crisis on Wax Meghan's end and the strangest, most childlike behavior on Wax Harry's end. It's all certainly jarring, especially coming directly after Meghan's glowing surprise appearance [2] at the 2018 Fashion Awards. Don't let me describe the terror using words alone, though. Please, let's endure this waking Christmas nightmare together.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Great Britain's newest royal couple! Except Wax Prince Harry looks like a teenager who's just, like, really good at growing a beard, and Wax Meghan Markle [3] looks like someone who hated the last 32 attempts at taking this picture and is desperately trying to recreate the warm, carefree smile she practiced in the mirror this morning.

Oh no. Oh no! According to local legend, if you stare at them for too long, they'll appear by your bed at night and yell "PEASANT!" until you start crying. Relax, it's just a myth. It's (probably) not true.

OK, but really, why does Wax Harry look like his growth was stunted by some sort of medieval illness that has had a resurgence in 2018? Like, "Oh, he had polio when he was young, poor little bugger. Now he constantly look like his skin might tear from a strong gust, and his head looks like a lollipop on his strangely small body. He's a delightful young man, though." Poor Wax Harry. I'm glad he's happy and healthy.

Meanwhile, Wax Meghan has totally zoned out. We've lost her. She's running through her very long to-do list, second-guessing the interaction she had with one of the guards the other day, and remembering the time she made eye contact with the Queen but didn't smile.

You know what Wax Harry looks like? He looks like he's in a zombie movie, and he just got bitten by a zombie, but he hasn't told anyone else in the crew yet. So now, we'll all watch in horror as he slowly succumbs to the zombie virus, effectively endangering everyone else in the group, just because he doesn't want to admit he messed up. Don't be selfish, Wax Harry. Sacrifice yourself for the future of mankind!

Also, can we talk about the sweater they forced Wax Meghan into? Given her supreme style [4], I highly doubt she's going to wear an ugly Christmas sweater that attempts to make her a small elf! Put some respect on her, you guys!

Yeah. Yep. Yeah. He's definitely about to turn into a hissing, growling zombie that will rip out your throat. If only we could warn Wax Meghan before it's too late.

Meghan? Hello? Are you there?

OK, here's where everything REALLY goes off the rails. I think Wax Meghan is presumably about to present Wax Harry's gift. Except, instead of holding it out to him, she's just cradling it in her lap, slightly tipped over, not even paying attention to him.

Wax Harry, on the other hand, is just standing on the other side of the room, gleefully looking on. He basically looks like he's jumping up and down and can barely contain his excitement.

But Wax Meghan is playing coy. Oh, ho, ho, she's not just going to give Wax Harry his gift . . . because I think she's having some kind of mental break or existential crisis? Wax Meghan seems to be thinking about every single thing that led to this moment. Or maybe she's just preoccupied.

"Did I leave my straightener on?"

"Did I lock the door to my quaint cottage?"

"Did I delete Instagram off my phone so the royal family doesn't know I have a finsta?"

Wax Harry, so fixated on his gift, doesn't even care.

OK, wow, she is really zoned out. Maybe she needs, like, a coffee or something? Can someone ring a butler?

Why do I get the feeling Wax Meghan would be great on Westworld?

And look at this nightmare. Like, what is happening on the back of Wax Harry's head? Is there some kind of growth that's inhibiting his ability to act like a normal wax figure for once in his wax life? Jeez, Wax Harry, you're embarrassing everyone.

This is one the one that just really unsettles me. I guess Wax Meghan is retrieving a gift from underneath the tree while Wax Harry, still an inexplicable embarrassment, just watches her. Wax Meghan is clearly having a bit of a hard time with her pregnant belly, and Wax Harry is just unable or unwilling to help.

Look at this poor, beleaguered wax woman! Did they really need to pose her in a full-on squat to retrieve a box?! Couldn't they let her disassociate in peace, in a nearby chair, while Wax Harry did all the heavy lifting?!

Hello?! She's still just, like, staring off into the middle distance?! Is everything OK?!

That is the face of pure struggle. Wax Harry, what are you doing?!

Oh, right, standing there like a complete MANIAC! I'm done. I'm going to go lay down and rest. Hey, wait a minute, isn't that . . .

Yep. It's a portrait of Princess Diana. Just what this whole mess needed.

This seems like a good thing to leave you with: the Wax Queen Elizabeth II, who just looks on with sheer disapproval and confusion. Happy holidays, everyone! Good luck!

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