"If there ever was a food god, it would be Anthony Bourdain. I accept that." joked Alton Brown in the opening monologue of his Eat Your Science live show in Santa Rosa, CA. If anything bad were to happen to Bourdain, though, Brown thinks he could maybe take on the responsibility. After all, Bourdain does do a lot of adventurous things and taste a lot of risky foods — to paraphrase what Alton said, he might die, leaving the "food god" position open.
On cue, two of Alton's assistants came on stage and clothed him in his food-god-approved wardrobe (a toga, a crown, and a staff that also happens to be a giant whisk, because in case you forgot, Alton Brown hates unitaskers with a passion), he proceeded to let the audience in on a few of the food rules he'd enforce in his wildest dreams. Behold, the top five commandments Alton Brown would implement if he were in control of all things food.
1. Tortilla chips would support 500 times their weight.
Tortilla chips breaking as soon as you dip them into the guac? Not on Alton's watch. If it were up to him, he would make tortilla chips so strong they'd be indestructible until you bit into them. "You could pick up an entire roast chicken with one tortilla chip," he cracked. Clearly Alton has his (and everyone else's) priorities straight.
2. No more children's menus.
The easiest way to guarantee your child will grow up to live off chicken tenders as an adult is to let them order off the children's menu. At least, that's what Alton believes, and he's on to something. What if we lived in a world with no children's menus and kids were forced to — gasp! — order vegetables instead of corn dogs?
3. Chicken would have four thighs.
"No one likes chicken breasts," Alton boldly stated, followed by some audience members' inevitable "I do!" rebuttals. To which he replied, "Shh . . . that's just conditioning." But when you really consider it, do you actually like the flavor of chicken breasts, or do you make them out of convenience? He has a point; boneless, skinless chicken breast recipes tend to call for quite a few ingredients ("like 20" according to Alton), because the lean meat needs a lot of help in the flavor department. "You know what you need to add to chicken thighs to make them taste good?" Alton asked. "Heat."
4. No sriracha without a permit.
Alton's over the damn sriracha craze. While the hot sauce was relatively unknown five years ago, you can't even walk down the snack aisle in a grocery store without seeing it approximately nine times. He's not into it, and he says people need to calm the hell down. "The last time we went this crazy over something, it was called pumpkin spice latte," he said. His dream solution? You'd have to pass a test and get a permit that would grant you one bottle per year.
5. Rats would taste like bacon.
Since rats are such a pesky problem in the world, Alton would make sure they all tasted delicious, like bacon, actually. Yum? Maybe he took the joke too far . . .