There's nothing like a little (or a lot) of nausea and vomiting during pregnancy to make you feel absolutely gross and not "prepared" for the public. I mean, vomiting and nausea in pregnancy can come on at any time and without warning. Don't be surprised if you're happily eating a delicious meal only to find yourself ready to upchuck two minutes later without any notice. Don't be surprised if you find yourself puking at work, on your front lawn, or on the side of the road like a drunk, except you're not drunk — you're just pregnant.
Here's how to vomit with class and style during pregnancy in a way that will allow you to keep your dignity still. Well, some of it at the very least!
Mommy's Little Puke Bag
Find a nice brown paper bag or make it more sturdy actually — get a plastic one! Then, label it: Mommy's Little Puke Bag. Even if you're not a mom yet, you're on your way. Carry this elegant bag with you right next to your purse, work bag, or gym bag. It's a bag with personality and personalization! You can carry it in style and when it's time to puke, promptly use it. At the very least, you won't spew all over and your company will appreciate your attempts to keep it all "in."
Acquire an Accent
After you've thrown up and your throat is on fire, acquire an accent. It will make you sound slightly better or, at the very least, funny and interesting. You won't have to announce to people that you just puked up your breakfast but rather, you were on a lovely tour of the UK recently. Yes, that's it.
Turn It Into a Dance Move
Instead of blatantly spilling your guts during the morning meeting at work or when you're out with friends to lunch, jerk your neck back and forth and roll your middle like you're doing some new dance move. When someone asks you, "Did you just puke?" say, "Nope! That was just a dance move I learned in my new modern dance class." What dance class, your friend or co-worker thinks? You might start a trend.
We Interrupt This Program
When there's a fire drill or a "test of the emergency broadcast system," everyone understands that there will be a "disruption of service" if you will. So, when it's time to puke simply make a long loud beeping sound and tell people, "I interrupt this program to notify you I am about to puke." This will give people a chance to be prepared for seeing what you ate for lunch.
About to hurl chunks in your friend's car? At the very least, ask politely. Say, "Pardon me but, would you mind if I threw up right here?" How could anyone be angry at someone so very polite, thoughtful, and pregnant?
Carry an Old T-Shirt
Puke splatters. Everywhere. When you feel the urge coming on, do one of two things:
- If you're known for having poor aim with your vomit, lay out the t-shirt as a tarp, and just puke on it. Chances are, you will miss anything important this way.
- If you are known for puking on yourself, carry this t-shirt so you can throw it on right before you upchuck. It will save your nice clothes!
Pick the Person With the Worst Shoes
If there's no bathroom in sight and puke you must, please find someone with the worst shoes and puke on them. They may not appreciate it, but the fact is you did that person a favor by ruining a pair of ugly shoes no one in his or her right mind would or should be seen wearing.
Quickly Compose Yourself
After vomiting in front of people, wipe your mouth quickly, pop a mint in your mouth (always have those on hand!), and then stand up straight and say, "I'm OK! Nothing to see here."Everyone will believe you. Yeah. Right.